The Life of a Disney Princess

This is a piece that I wrote as a freshman, but with the rising popularity of the #20BeautifulWomen campaign, I thought it would be good to post, along with some shots I've taken of real live princesses in the wild.

If it were at all possible for me to drop out of school and become a Disney princess, I would. I don’t mean putting on a pretty dress and three inches of makeup to stand in the hot sun for hours a day taking pictures with sweaty children at some theme park for minimum wage. No. I am talking about a glass slipper, seven dwarfs, talking tea pots, fairy godmother, magic carpet sort of deal. Because, honestly, how is a princess expected to settle for anything less?

       When considering whether or not “Full time Disney Princess” is a suitable occupation for you, it is important to keep in mind the requirements to fill such a position. After spending years of my childhood watching the Disney princesses, I would consider myself some sort of an expert, and have been able to piece together a list of qualities nearly every princess should have.

       The first of these would be the ability to sing. This, is a make or break type of deal. Never have I ever heard of a Disney Princess that couldn’t sing, and if there ever was, I’m pretty sure they confiscated her tiara. To be a princess, not only do you have to be able to sing, but you have to sing pretty much all the time. You sing about your prince coming, you sing about bringing honor to your family, you sing about your life under the sea; quite honestly, you could sing about making some bagels and it wouldn’t matter, as long as you were singing. But it doesn’t stop there. Not only do you have to be able to sing, and sing every waking hour of the day, but you have to be able to harmonize with whatever is closest. At any given moment, you have to be prepared for your toaster to start singing along with you when you’re making your bagels. When you’re a princess, that stuff just happens, and you’ve got to be prepared to role with it. If you’re singing in the park, you’ve got to be down for a duet with a squirrel, because that’s just how Disney operates.

       Another crucial quality every Disney princess must have is natural beauty. To be a princess, you have to look perfect all the time, with no makeup. The other part of the natural beauty princesses possess is the hair. Quite honestly, I’m surprised no one has tried to shear the Disney princesses like sheep, because their hair is thick as heck. Not only is it thick, but it’s soft and shiny and looks good at any given moment of the day. If you can roll out of bed at 4am looking fabulous, there is a 95% chance you are a Disney Princess. So basically, to be a Disney princess, you have to look perfect, literally all the time. I can’t speak for the entire female population, but for me, it’s exhausting enough to merely exist some days, let alone have my looks live up to Disney standards. Maybe that’s why all the princesses are so skinny too! I imagine being that beautiful burns a lot of calories.

       The third, and possibly the most important characteristic that makes up a Disney princess, is the ability to basically turn animals into their own personal slaves. That whole being beautiful thing is quite strenuous, and sometimes a girl needs a few furry friends to help keep things running smoothly. Nearly every princess has some sort of animal companion to help them out in times of trouble. This particular trait may or may not be a result of a princess’ inability to make actual friends, but when you’re a princess, all you really need is some sort of heart beat to keep you company until your prince comes. The standards for companionship are not very high among Disney princesses.

       Now, I can sing in the shower, I brush my hair every day and my pet guinea pig will let me pick him up sometimes, so I’m basically a Disney princess already. But, for one to truly become a Disney princess, they must first know "the struggle".

       For every Disney princess, there in an equal and opposite evil step mother. In any story worth tolerating, there is always some sort of “struggle”. The princess is locked away in a tower, or she must “defeat the huns”, or maybe she pricks her finger and spends the next hundred years unconscious, but every princess is presented with some sort of obstacle she must overcome. This struggle, for most princesses, however, comes with a prince waiting at the finish line.

       These princes usually tend to be handsome, heroic, and perfect in nearly every single way, whereas most boys in high school tend to be…not that. But, honestly, that’s really a lot to expect from a teenage boy, considering nobody sets such unachievable expectations for teenage girls these days. But anyways, princes are defiantly another perk of becoming a princess.

       Between the princes, and the tiaras and the animal servants, “Full time Disney Princess” may be a hard job to turn down. Even factoring in a year or two imprisoned by your evil step mother, it still seems like a pretty sweet gig. So why would anyone turn down such an opportunity?

       Trick question. 

       No girl would turn down the opportunity, because every girl is a princess already. We may not be the Disney type, but every girl has a bit of magic inside them. Maybe we can’t sing, but we surely have talents that make us special. We may not be pretty, but we are always beautiful. We may not have an animal companion, or evil step mother, but we certainly have people that make life wonderful, and people that make life difficult. We may not all be Disney Princess material, but we all do have a bit of princess inside of us. The qualities that make up a Disney princess, and the realities of such a life style, are the same elements that make up life as a teenage girl. So live out every day like a princess, because it most certainly is a full time job.